Living, loving, healing and accepting!

Hospice! 




So the shit hit the fan last Friday. I woke up as normal, started cooking an omelette for my beautiful son and felt chest pain. Nothing major but I knew it wasn't right and wasn't going away. I took myself to A&E where we decided I could come back the next day for a scan (it was the easter holidays) the next day the scan showed some fluid in the lining of my lung and I was sent home as long as it was manageable and I could meet with my oncologist the following week. 

I went home and enjoyed something I will never ever take for granted and the very thought of it makes me well up with joy and sadness all at the same time. For the last time, ever, I got my son ready for bed. Put on my own pyjamas (trousers and and t shirt, which believe me I miss!) Lay beside him and read him a story. I couldn't lie back, I knew I probably wouldn't last the night at home so I let him stay up late in bed and we watched a movie on the laptop and cuddled. Absolute bliss!! Later when my beautiful angel was asleep beside me I told Davy that I had enjoyed our little night together so much but I couldn't stay there. I called my mum to come and be with Robin and we were going to go to hospital but I couldn't make it to the car. I could not breathe enough to walk from my house to the car. 

We managed to get me down stairs to where the ambulance wouldn't disrupt my beautiful boy and there I waited to leave what we affectionately know our home as "the top of heaven" for the last time. 

I was taken to hospital. Given oxygen although my breathing got worse. Eventually I was moved to the cancer hospital and had "the chat" with my oncologist that after five and a half years my cancer had caught up with me. I had Robin brought to my room and we shared what I thought was our last evening of kissing, laughing, hugging and chats of love and death.

Soon a wonderful man came to aspirate the fluid in my lung for some relief. (Something my onc was very nervous about trying) Very risky as I only have the one lung but he didn't grand job and we got 900ml. Unfortunately a while afterwards things took a turn for the worse and we thought that was it. After lots and lots of morphine and a very hazy day of I love you's and I wish I told you mores with my family I came out the other side!  That happened a week ago. 

Since then I have been in hospice. I have had one more bad turn where my breathing would not function and we don't know why. Other than than I have been very peaceful In this beautiful little place full of angels. It's only five minutes from my house so Robin visits every day. I cannot move from my bed to a chair. But I can lie down and talk and crochet and hug my son and tell him I love him and that's what I've been doing. I'm not sure how much time I have left but at he moment I am savouring it. I feel a little at peace knowing it's the end now. However still very much in fear of asphyxiating again.. I think they would get it (meaning my path to death) under control fairly quickly but the last two times have been my least favourite experiences of my life. 

I have been feeling mostly peaceful, a little sad, quite scared but more than anything grateful for this time with my family and when reflecting on the life I've lived! 

I've been utterly overwhelmed by how my family and friends have come together to make my passing as I'd like. From respecting my wishes to just be with immediate family, to sending food, gifts, books to help with acceptance, helping me get affairs in order that I cannot do.. Printing photo albums for robins memory box, writing letters to my son about me for his memory box, collecting loose ends I should have collected a while ago. I am surrounded by the most wonder friends and family anyone could ask for and I cannot begin to express how grateful I am!

I am feeling very loved. Very blessed! I can't say I'm not sad and scared but I can say love and blessings are outweighing the fear and sadness! 

I'm obviously biased and I'm sure a lot of people feel this way before death but my life has been absolutely amazing and I could not have asked for more. I have experienced more in five short years with my son than many people get to in a lifetime. I have a family (and I'm including my friends in this) whose unconditional and unfaltering love shines through the darkest moments. I have a job I love more than people love their best hobbies. I could go on but I won't. 

I am truly blessed and full of gratitude... Is the bottom line basically, for now! 

The tumour behind my heart it making it hurt to breath and I can feel the pressure, we'll see how long we can squeeze some days out to finish robins blanket and tell him I love him some more! x 

 These aren't particularly beautiful pictures to anyone other than me but they are of huge significance as they were the last moments with my family on those nights of close calls! And one of us planting our sunflowers for this year which I'm so glad I got to do!

Our last night at home :) 

My emergency room which I thought Robin might like :) 

Robin taking pictures when he came to say bye. 

 Another of Robins

 Planting this years sun flowers.

 Watching a film and making Robins blanket in the hospice! 

My beautiful boy!