A few people suggested I start a blog after I was diagnosed. Mostly because it's a good way to vent and it means you can look back and see how far you've come and how things have improved. I Agree that writing your thoughts down is an excellent way to vent frustrations without moaning to loved ones, it's also a good way of putting order into your thoughts to help you think clearly when you're head seems to have too much flying around in it all at once!
However, I didn't see the point in a blog as I felt it was a personal thing to do and no one else need be concerned with it. Instead I bought a lovely little leather bound notebook and i've been keeping my notes in there.
Since then, I've realised why a blog is a good idea. Whilst searching for hope on the internet I came across a few blogs of people who have been battling synovial sarcomas. The positive attitude and courage in some of these people when facing what they have to face has inspired me and lifted my spirits so many times now. I always thought my story was a bit too doom and gloom to bring to anyone's attention as most people are looking for success stories. I feel now that with all the twists and turns, my story is worth telling as it might give others hope and strength to stay strong and carry on when the outlook is bleak!
I've just started what I think is the final stage of my treatment, hence the 'better late than never'.. So I shall summarise the whole escapade and see how it pans out.
Saturday 6 February 2016
Now
One of my good friends is having a baby!! Davy was saying to them about how much time has passed since we told them we were having a baby and how it's gone so fast!
It got me thinking about how things changed when we had Robin/I got sick. In the short years we had together before then, everything was about NOW, with occasional sweet dreams of the future. Once you get a terminal diagnosis the best thing you can do is be in the NOW (unless that now royally sucks, i've been there, but most of the time my now is extremely pleasant)... but what actually happened to me, was, life stopped being about now and started being about the future. Not dreaming about the future like we used to. But trying to plan for the future, which was short and bleak. It became about making sure everything was in place for what our now CERTAIN future held. A future we were not moulding together anymore... but trying to mould ourselves to deal with. It started being about the scan in two months time, then three months time, then six... because it was after these scans we'd have the freedom to make our own little plans for a short while. Almost wishing away the little time I'd been given to find out how I was doing. Instead of being in the NOW.. which for me has mostly been great. My health has rarely been dismal, my family and work are wonderful. Most of my nows are perfect. And the main cause of my (many, many, all too common) dark times is due to my concern of the future.
At the moment, there is no future, there is only now.
So here I am.
Smiling.
Until the next time I forget this and worry about the future.. which will probably be soon.. infact.. now that i mention it..... :op
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