A few people suggested I start a blog after I was diagnosed. Mostly because it's a good way to vent and it means you can look back and see how far you've come and how things have improved. I Agree that writing your thoughts down is an excellent way to vent frustrations without moaning to loved ones, it's also a good way of putting order into your thoughts to help you think clearly when you're head seems to have too much flying around in it all at once!
However, I didn't see the point in a blog as I felt it was a personal thing to do and no one else need be concerned with it. Instead I bought a lovely little leather bound notebook and i've been keeping my notes in there.
Since then, I've realised why a blog is a good idea. Whilst searching for hope on the internet I came across a few blogs of people who have been battling synovial sarcomas. The positive attitude and courage in some of these people when facing what they have to face has inspired me and lifted my spirits so many times now. I always thought my story was a bit too doom and gloom to bring to anyone's attention as most people are looking for success stories. I feel now that with all the twists and turns, my story is worth telling as it might give others hope and strength to stay strong and carry on when the outlook is bleak!
I've just started what I think is the final stage of my treatment, hence the 'better late than never'.. So I shall summarise the whole escapade and see how it pans out.
Saturday 16 June 2012
And the good news continues..
It's June, summer is in full swing (so it's pouring of rain outside)! My garden is all green, pink, yellow, purple and more green. My son is 1 and a half and becoming his own wee person. My husband is back at work and loving it. Life is goooooood! And as a wee cherry on top I just got good results from my latest CT scan. Well it's not a wee cherry, it's a MASSIVE one, so big the cake is squashed!! I'm so relieved, the week in between my scan and results was crazy, as usual. I dont need to think about getting good results cause I know I can deal with that eeeaaasy! But I need to force myself to think about getting a bad result so I feel I'm prepared for it.. which I never accomplish, but at least I'm being realistic I suppose. I bought two books of death and dying while I was waiting on my results. What am I like?!? Truth is though, it's a 50/50 chance so i'm not being crazy.. just trying to be prepared. Anyway, it's all good, so i'm stoked. I can FINALLY get excited about going to Canada next month as I have no scans in between now and then so can see no reason why I wouldn't be going now. So i've bought a celebratory bikini and some flip flops! My friend bought me some celebratory cakes but then I picked up another friends dog, to watch him for a couple of nights, and he ate the celebratory cakes (which looked amazing) quicker than you can say "NOOOO!!"
I'm also continuing on an introspective spritual journey that I started and then forgot about when I got sick, i'm not sure where to start though. Meditating helps, and reading lots. One of the books on dying by Dr Elisabeth Kubler Ross speaks about the similarities between dream state, deep meditation and near death experiences.. I really want to find out more about this and become more aware of my dreams and unconcious mind, and I generally want to be less attached..... Argh I always want to go on about my life in these posts, but it's really just a cancer blog (exciting, I know!) So I try to refrain, what does my personal life have to do with it? Or does have something to do with it? I don't know.. I just want someone with a sarcoma to read it and think, she's doing alright and things looked so bleak at the beginning.. and maybe, just maybe, they'll get a wee bit of hope which will give them a wee bit of energy, from me, to fight a wee bit harder and not be so sad.
Right, I'll shut up now. I'm Ok! It's almost been a year since my big fat, fast growing lumpy lodger was removed from my chest... that's wonderful! I miss my lung a wee bit, but not that much.. and I love my left lung more that ever!
x
I'm also continuing on an introspective spritual journey that I started and then forgot about when I got sick, i'm not sure where to start though. Meditating helps, and reading lots. One of the books on dying by Dr Elisabeth Kubler Ross speaks about the similarities between dream state, deep meditation and near death experiences.. I really want to find out more about this and become more aware of my dreams and unconcious mind, and I generally want to be less attached..... Argh I always want to go on about my life in these posts, but it's really just a cancer blog (exciting, I know!) So I try to refrain, what does my personal life have to do with it? Or does have something to do with it? I don't know.. I just want someone with a sarcoma to read it and think, she's doing alright and things looked so bleak at the beginning.. and maybe, just maybe, they'll get a wee bit of hope which will give them a wee bit of energy, from me, to fight a wee bit harder and not be so sad.
Right, I'll shut up now. I'm Ok! It's almost been a year since my big fat, fast growing lumpy lodger was removed from my chest... that's wonderful! I miss my lung a wee bit, but not that much.. and I love my left lung more that ever!
x
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Hi Michelle, Gary here. Just been catching up on your blog and posts,; so exciting about your clear scan. I also read Kubler Ross she makes some good points. Bit boring but wraps some good structure around it and gives you understanding why you are feeling the way you are at different stages.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post on my blog, it was so helpful and timely.
I had a question for you. When you had your chemo and got a very good result with your lung tumour shrinking; did you experience any addition pain
It might be easier to respond by email as these comment boxes are difficult to use. My email is gtaiaroa@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteThanks Gary's
Hi Michelle
ReplyDeleteJust enjoyed reading your last blog post.you are a witty writer. Made me laugh out loud in a few places. I just listened to to a talk by John Cleese on creativity and he suggests Humour is one of best ways to unlock the 'play' factor and to use in liberally in times of grief as it allows us to free up and be with it more easily.
I really related to what you said about the scan weeks.I go a bit crazy..I think I am doing alright and then I get to the end of it and realize I have been stressed ( not sure that over explaining,talking too fast and funny wee dances help).
In contrast to Gaz I love Kubler -ross.I particularly enjoyed her book on Grief and Grieving.Lots of different perspectives and stories,
Talking about your personal life is exactly what this blog is about if you feel like it as it give other people something to relate to. What you say is interesting..the topics you are now exploring. Its a 'reality blog story' so to speak..it just has more impromptu factors out of your control.
How was Canada?
Regards Kat
Hello Kat,
ReplyDeleteSorry, I just seen this post. I'd definitely agree with John Cleese on that one!
Over explaining, talking too fast and funny wee dances definitely help. Davy and I both have our weird way of dealing with things, which we don't realise until they become evident after we get the results and start acting 'normal' again.
I recently read a book called 'proof of heaven' by doctor Eben Alexander and I enjoyed it just as much, if not more, that kubler Ross. A lot of people facing their own death or the death of a loved one said it comforted them.
Canada was awesome, so good to see family for the first time in ages. Hope you guys enjoyed your summer holidays too!
Michelle
First time I have the space to revisit your blog. I am going to find that book and read it. I have had the most beautiful encounters with birds in our garden in the last week. I have been gardening slowly trying to move my body and keep occupied. More often that not I am bawling my eyes out and then I hear bird song. Our natives are usually a bit shy apart from a few.But this week they have ben just above my head on branches signing their wee hearts out. And groups of hem doing this.Very peculiar for them. Gives me a lift. Hope you guys are heading into a good spring.x
ReplyDeleteKeeping occupied sounds like a good plan. It's also good to bawl your eyes out and just go with it cause its what you need to do. That's wonderful about the birds :)
DeleteOur spring is very late this year, things are just coming in to bloom now! Apparently that can be a sign of a good summer ahead but we shall see.
Keep on keepin on Kat. You're such an inspiration.