A few people suggested I start a blog after I was diagnosed. Mostly because it's a good way to vent and it means you can look back and see how far you've come and how things have improved. I Agree that writing your thoughts down is an excellent way to vent frustrations without moaning to loved ones, it's also a good way of putting order into your thoughts to help you think clearly when you're head seems to have too much flying around in it all at once!
However, I didn't see the point in a blog as I felt it was a personal thing to do and no one else need be concerned with it. Instead I bought a lovely little leather bound notebook and i've been keeping my notes in there.
Since then, I've realised why a blog is a good idea. Whilst searching for hope on the internet I came across a few blogs of people who have been battling synovial sarcomas. The positive attitude and courage in some of these people when facing what they have to face has inspired me and lifted my spirits so many times now. I always thought my story was a bit too doom and gloom to bring to anyone's attention as most people are looking for success stories. I feel now that with all the twists and turns, my story is worth telling as it might give others hope and strength to stay strong and carry on when the outlook is bleak!
I've just started what I think is the final stage of my treatment, hence the 'better late than never'.. So I shall summarise the whole escapade and see how it pans out.
Wednesday 18 March 2015
LIFE is amazing... and crap and weird.
So... I have cancer. It sucks SO MUCH.
I also have possibly the best husband ever and a beautiful, understanding, caring and mental son. And my absolute dream job! Like today I chased deer around the beautiful mountains and loch sides in loch lomond and the trossachs in a HELICOPTER! It was like a james bond movie except with deer. We were doing massive nose dives, flying side ways and everything. Then we landed and I went to check the owl boxes and hugged some beautiful owls and found the first eggs of the season.
MY LIFE IS AMAZING! Which makes is all the harder to come to terms with the fact it's going to be shorter than the average life and I won't get to see my son grow up and share all these experiences with him. But i can't help but feel like even a short life as cool as mine is better than most.
I am very very very very very very afraid of being really sick (in front of my son and not being able to look after him) and dying. And it breaks my heart to think I can't be there for him growing up. But what we have is amazing and we are all blessed. I know his Dad can totally live up to the challenge of being mum and dad so i know he'll be fine without me, it's more of a selfish worry, cause I'M missing out. I go from feeling unbelievably grateful to utterly hard done by in a matter of minutes. But i know in the grand scheme of things... it's nothing. Just another tiny person on this massive planet. Life could have been much tougher, i've had it pretty good and I need to concentrate on that.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE YET. I want to be old :( (not now, I mean i want to get old)
This post is going nowhere. It's just my irrational thoughts.
Here's some pictures of my work today.
I also have possibly the best husband ever and a beautiful, understanding, caring and mental son. And my absolute dream job! Like today I chased deer around the beautiful mountains and loch sides in loch lomond and the trossachs in a HELICOPTER! It was like a james bond movie except with deer. We were doing massive nose dives, flying side ways and everything. Then we landed and I went to check the owl boxes and hugged some beautiful owls and found the first eggs of the season.
MY LIFE IS AMAZING! Which makes is all the harder to come to terms with the fact it's going to be shorter than the average life and I won't get to see my son grow up and share all these experiences with him. But i can't help but feel like even a short life as cool as mine is better than most.
I am very very very very very very afraid of being really sick (in front of my son and not being able to look after him) and dying. And it breaks my heart to think I can't be there for him growing up. But what we have is amazing and we are all blessed. I know his Dad can totally live up to the challenge of being mum and dad so i know he'll be fine without me, it's more of a selfish worry, cause I'M missing out. I go from feeling unbelievably grateful to utterly hard done by in a matter of minutes. But i know in the grand scheme of things... it's nothing. Just another tiny person on this massive planet. Life could have been much tougher, i've had it pretty good and I need to concentrate on that.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE YET. I want to be old :( (not now, I mean i want to get old)
This post is going nowhere. It's just my irrational thoughts.
Here's some pictures of my work today.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment