A few people suggested I start a blog after I was diagnosed. Mostly because it's a good way to vent and it means you can look back and see how far you've come and how things have improved. I Agree that writing your thoughts down is an excellent way to vent frustrations without moaning to loved ones, it's also a good way of putting order into your thoughts to help you think clearly when you're head seems to have too much flying around in it all at once!
However, I didn't see the point in a blog as I felt it was a personal thing to do and no one else need be concerned with it. Instead I bought a lovely little leather bound notebook and i've been keeping my notes in there.
Since then, I've realised why a blog is a good idea. Whilst searching for hope on the internet I came across a few blogs of people who have been battling synovial sarcomas. The positive attitude and courage in some of these people when facing what they have to face has inspired me and lifted my spirits so many times now. I always thought my story was a bit too doom and gloom to bring to anyone's attention as most people are looking for success stories. I feel now that with all the twists and turns, my story is worth telling as it might give others hope and strength to stay strong and carry on when the outlook is bleak!
I've just started what I think is the final stage of my treatment, hence the 'better late than never'.. So I shall summarise the whole escapade and see how it pans out.
Friday, 18 July 2014
The benefits of being the worlds biggest pessimist...
So.... I'm a pessimist of the highest order. Always thinking of the worst case scenario. It pays off.
Yesterday I went to get my scan results. After a few days of not coping well I felt unusually calm, perhaps glad I would know the score and could plan ahead.
We got there, the onc said "unfortunately there's something that needs further investigation and looks suspicious" I asked (my worst case scenario) "do I have lung mets?"... "Ehh, no, not that I can see" BRAW!! It's not end game.
But this tumour is about the size of an orange, or or more like an avocado... It's grown near my positive margins. It's not near any major organs so my oncologist reckons that mr kirk (my superhero, the best cardio thoracic surgeon in the uk) will cut it out. I'll probably lose a couple of ribs and need some thigh or bum fat (which I'm working on) for a skin graft.
ANYWAY! This is such a better outlook than my original diagnosis so I feel confident I can overcome it if he cuts it out. I just can't wait to know what the plan is,should hopefully find out in a week or two.
Let's see... I think I can beat this (be spared by the almighty disease) twice.
x
Yesterday I went to get my scan results. After a few days of not coping well I felt unusually calm, perhaps glad I would know the score and could plan ahead.
We got there, the onc said "unfortunately there's something that needs further investigation and looks suspicious" I asked (my worst case scenario) "do I have lung mets?"... "Ehh, no, not that I can see" BRAW!! It's not end game.
But this tumour is about the size of an orange, or or more like an avocado... It's grown near my positive margins. It's not near any major organs so my oncologist reckons that mr kirk (my superhero, the best cardio thoracic surgeon in the uk) will cut it out. I'll probably lose a couple of ribs and need some thigh or bum fat (which I'm working on) for a skin graft.
ANYWAY! This is such a better outlook than my original diagnosis so I feel confident I can overcome it if he cuts it out. I just can't wait to know what the plan is,should hopefully find out in a week or two.
Let's see... I think I can beat this (be spared by the almighty disease) twice.
x
Monday, 14 July 2014
Hello world!
I have been too quiet. I've started a million posts about feelings and all sorts. But nothing on the cancer front as it's been quiet, and for me that's all this blog is about. Not about Michelle Whyte as a person and my day to day activities and feelings. In short.. I go through long periods of feeling like life is normal and planning for the future (more kids, training in work etc) with the odd cancer related freak out in between. I even got pregnant at one point although unfortunately (or fortunately?) it never made it past seven weeks. Not long after.. I was lying in bed with robin, the light of my life, and we were so squished I was almost hugging myself when I felt a lump about the size of a tangerine (but not protruding as much). I was half way through a story.. And I said "and then... And then ehhh... And then they all went home and had hot chocolate and went to bed, the end." Robin was a bit confused at the crappy ending but I kissed him and came downstairs and half crying and hyperventilating told Davy what I'd discovered. He cried for a second then did his usual "me man, me take charge of situation." Thing and gave me two options.. See the doctor on Monday (it's Saturday) or go to out of hours emergency. I did the latter, my reasoning being; they will not be able to tell if it's cancer but they could possibly find out if it isn't... I was wrong but still feel like I made the right choice. They contacted my oncologist and gave me some pills to calm me down and help me sleep. So I talked to my onc on the Monday, she said much as I expected "it's a lump, I have no idea what it is from feeling it. Surgery can do funny things to your body, create scar tissue etc, we'll need a scan to figure this out". I think had it been near my scar or drain site I would feel a little more at ease, but it's near neither. Down at the bottom of my ribs on my back near where the positive margins on my diaphragm are. But who knows? So I had a scan two weeks later and I'm waiting on the results. As far as my uninformed mind sees it I have three outcomes... 1. It's looks like fluid, nothing to worry about (doesn't feel like fluid) or something along those miracle lines. 2. It's a solid mass, could be scar tissue or cancer, we will have to do a biopsy (another two weeks?) 3. You have lung mets (explains my three week long cough) and the lump looks suspicious and will need a biopsy and YOU'RE SCREWED, DO YOUR BUCKET LIST NOW!
How do I feel? Numb. Manic. Guilty.
I broke down at first. I felt overwhelming guilt for not making the most of life after surviving a terminal diagnosis. Then I returned to my general state of numb depression where I get by without thinking too much about life and the negative possibilities. Don't get me wrong, my life is WONDERFUL! I have a beautiful and amazing family, I have the best job I think there is (I got that part time job and it more amazing than I imagined). But I have kind of been floating through it in a mix of worry/ sadness/ appreciative heaven. I feel like a near death experience should leave you with a carpe diem attitude... Not me though.. I just felt quite scared and lost my confidence. I appreciated much more of the little things in life and savoured every moment with my son. But still.. I could have been more active, been a better wife and mother, made a better effort.. But I spent a lot of time worrying and feeling sad about my fear of recurrence. What a waste. Kind of. It was also awesome. I had some amazing camping trips, holidays etc with my family and friends(which I think I appreciated the most because of my past). I also became a trainee ringer and had the priveledge of holding barn owls, tawny owls, ospreys, kites, buzzards, tits, redstarts, swallows, swifts etc.... How many people get to do that? I also brought robin along and he got to do the same because my bosses are wonderful souls! (Although he couldn't have been less interested but I'm sure he'll appreciate the pictures when he's older)
So here I am.. Wanting to spend all my time either watching my boy or making sure I leave some stuff behind (crocheting blankets, making photo albums) as he won't remember me if I die soon.
Let's see what tomorrow brings. The one plus to being a pessimist is you often end up please toy surprised or prepared for bad news.
Sorry to come back on such a bummer.
How do I feel? Numb. Manic. Guilty.
I broke down at first. I felt overwhelming guilt for not making the most of life after surviving a terminal diagnosis. Then I returned to my general state of numb depression where I get by without thinking too much about life and the negative possibilities. Don't get me wrong, my life is WONDERFUL! I have a beautiful and amazing family, I have the best job I think there is (I got that part time job and it more amazing than I imagined). But I have kind of been floating through it in a mix of worry/ sadness/ appreciative heaven. I feel like a near death experience should leave you with a carpe diem attitude... Not me though.. I just felt quite scared and lost my confidence. I appreciated much more of the little things in life and savoured every moment with my son. But still.. I could have been more active, been a better wife and mother, made a better effort.. But I spent a lot of time worrying and feeling sad about my fear of recurrence. What a waste. Kind of. It was also awesome. I had some amazing camping trips, holidays etc with my family and friends(which I think I appreciated the most because of my past). I also became a trainee ringer and had the priveledge of holding barn owls, tawny owls, ospreys, kites, buzzards, tits, redstarts, swallows, swifts etc.... How many people get to do that? I also brought robin along and he got to do the same because my bosses are wonderful souls! (Although he couldn't have been less interested but I'm sure he'll appreciate the pictures when he's older)
So here I am.. Wanting to spend all my time either watching my boy or making sure I leave some stuff behind (crocheting blankets, making photo albums) as he won't remember me if I die soon.
Let's see what tomorrow brings. The one plus to being a pessimist is you often end up please toy surprised or prepared for bad news.
Sorry to come back on such a bummer.
Monday, 13 May 2013
And the beat goes on...
I'm rubbish at updating my blog these days. I don't find time to do much at all really. Anyway, I had an x ray in march, which was fine, and I think I have one next month. I've been getting a pain in a new place in my chest but its not breathing related pain like my tumour was and its similar to a pain that I had at the bottom of my lung before, which was nothing... So I'm not TOO worried. But still quite eager to get my x ray. I'm still trying to talk Davy into becoming a sonographer so we can buy an ultra sound machine and just check as we please.. Anyway, not much news on the cancer front.. Which is GREAT news!
I've been working loads and loads and loads, and although I love the work, I want out!! I'm out the house for about eleven hours a day. After everything that's happened I don't want this. Family is the most important thing. if it means getting rid of our wee pony, not eating out as much or going on as many trips away but having much more quality time together, a home that's a sanctuary and a mother and wife who makes things easy and fills ye with love then I'd much rather leave and focus on those things. I'm just a bit of a stress head when I'm home and its not good. Amazingly a part time job has come up in my favourite district, with the team I'd LOVE to work for. So the application deadline is Wednesday, mine is already in. I'll see how that goes, if I get in.. Well that would just be perfect!! If not, I'm going to explain how I'm feeling to my boss and probably hand in my notice. I'd rather not, I don't want to leave, but I can't keep working this much. I want to be with my wee boy while he's growing, before he's off to school! I really hope I get the part time job. I know that when my time comes, whether I'm young or old, knowing I did my best being a mother and wife will make me happy and what I achieved at work won't matter.. Unless I worked too much, I know I'd regret the hell outta that! I seen a picture of my mum and it made me think how awesome it is to have a great mum, who you under appreciate until you need her then you remember how amazing she is. And when you move out and you realise she made everything so easy and kept things ticking over. I want to be a better wife too, Davy deserves it. I think I've been thinking about myself too much recently, what's important and what makes an impact is what I give to others. Love and compassion is what really matters and I want to have it on tap for my family. I don't want to come home from work and be a stress head in a bad mood anymore. So... That's that!
A guy whose blog I've been following since my diagnosis.. The only blog I've ever followed.. Passed on not so long ago. It put things into perspective, as his blog has done so many times. I keep having stupid fights with Davy about trivial things and its so pointless, time is so precious! I just wanted to mention him because he's been such a huge part of this whole journey I've had and helped me so much despite never even having met him! I think that had a lot to do with me thinking about all the above stuff again and I'm really glad it did. Anyway, he's a legend and I'm so glad I found his blog.
Until next time... Hopefully it will be equally as un eventful on the cancer front! I'm going on holiday next week :) :) first stop the folk festival on the island of orkney, then a trip down the west coast in the camper van, then off to the south of France. Can't wait! It flippin snowed again today!! What is going on?!? This time last year we went on a camper van trip and it was over 25 degrees every day.
Monday, 18 February 2013
Hmph!
I don't know why, but I'm having more than the odd cancer related freak out these days. It's only been a month and a half since my last scan, this is a new record I think. I've had two chest infections and the wheezyness just freaked me out I think, and got me thinking about things. I wish it hadn't...
I stupidly started reading about recurrence tonight, why oh why did I do that? Why can't I just get on with life and be glad to be alive? I read a horrible paper about how synovial sarcoma tends to metastasize after five years....?!?! Everything else said it usually came back within two?! Which would be great cause I'm more than half way there. Although I think in that study only four of the patients were treated correctly with a planned biopsy followed by a wide resection or amputation.. So that makes me feel a bit better as I had a decent resection, although without clear margins. Also this was between '68 and '99 and a lot has improved since then... So we'll ignore that one for now... But it gets worse!!! The next one I read about survival rates said Patients with synovial sarcoma less than 5 cm in size has a cancer-specific survival rate at 10 years of 100%, compared with a 10-year survival rate of 32% and 0% for those with sarcoma 5 to 10 cm and greater than 10 cm, respectively..... MINE WAS 17cm!!!!!! Uh oh.. And as if that wasn't bad enough it also said Patients with a clean margin of excision were found to have a 10-year cancer-specific survival rate of 43%, compared with 0% for those with microscopic positive margins... Which I had. Fucksticks!!
Why did I read this stuff?!? I've been putting it off for so long, why did I crumble tonight. I guess it's best to know so you can be realistic. But there's so many factors that make each case different, my oncologist said the fact it was growing in to my chest cavity without much pressure on it might work in my favour....?
Pffft. I'm annoyed at myself. I thought I could relax a bit after two years and forget all about it after five... I must have made that up though...? Who knows. I seemed to think that's what my onc said.
Sorry, this is a totally crap post. Especially since I say this blog is to give people in my situation hope... But the truth is having cancer is just shit some days, and you do stupid stuff like this. Then other days you count your blessings and get on with it. There are LOADS of survivors and treatments are always getting better so don't be disheartened. And don't read stuff on the Internet. And if your tumour was less than 5cm and you had clear margins - REJOICE! I'm going to ask my oncologist all about it next month at my clinic and get the proper up to date answers..which will hopefully be "patients with tumours in their pleural space called Michelle who suffer from anxiety have a 120% survival rate."
I love blogging, I feel better already! I AM so lucky, this time two years ago I was just hoping I could hear my son say mummy, and now he's telling me off and all sorts. I need to stop being so pessimistic.
x
I stupidly started reading about recurrence tonight, why oh why did I do that? Why can't I just get on with life and be glad to be alive? I read a horrible paper about how synovial sarcoma tends to metastasize after five years....?!?! Everything else said it usually came back within two?! Which would be great cause I'm more than half way there. Although I think in that study only four of the patients were treated correctly with a planned biopsy followed by a wide resection or amputation.. So that makes me feel a bit better as I had a decent resection, although without clear margins. Also this was between '68 and '99 and a lot has improved since then... So we'll ignore that one for now... But it gets worse!!! The next one I read about survival rates said Patients with synovial sarcoma less than 5 cm in size has a cancer-specific survival rate at 10 years of 100%, compared with a 10-year survival rate of 32% and 0% for those with sarcoma 5 to 10 cm and greater than 10 cm, respectively..... MINE WAS 17cm!!!!!! Uh oh.. And as if that wasn't bad enough it also said Patients with a clean margin of excision were found to have a 10-year cancer-specific survival rate of 43%, compared with 0% for those with microscopic positive margins... Which I had. Fucksticks!!
Why did I read this stuff?!? I've been putting it off for so long, why did I crumble tonight. I guess it's best to know so you can be realistic. But there's so many factors that make each case different, my oncologist said the fact it was growing in to my chest cavity without much pressure on it might work in my favour....?
Pffft. I'm annoyed at myself. I thought I could relax a bit after two years and forget all about it after five... I must have made that up though...? Who knows. I seemed to think that's what my onc said.
Sorry, this is a totally crap post. Especially since I say this blog is to give people in my situation hope... But the truth is having cancer is just shit some days, and you do stupid stuff like this. Then other days you count your blessings and get on with it. There are LOADS of survivors and treatments are always getting better so don't be disheartened. And don't read stuff on the Internet. And if your tumour was less than 5cm and you had clear margins - REJOICE! I'm going to ask my oncologist all about it next month at my clinic and get the proper up to date answers..which will hopefully be "patients with tumours in their pleural space called Michelle who suffer from anxiety have a 120% survival rate."
I love blogging, I feel better already! I AM so lucky, this time two years ago I was just hoping I could hear my son say mummy, and now he's telling me off and all sorts. I need to stop being so pessimistic.
x
Thursday, 10 January 2013
A wonderful, relieving start to 2013!
So, I had my six monthly scan (a few anxiety ridden weeks late) just before Christmas, but because of the holiday I had to wait until the 3rd of Jan for the results. The festive season was perhaps a little more appreciated because of the thoughts and feelings I had and I just wanted to be with my family. When I'm worried like that I just feel like being a wee hermit. Once again though, all is well. Nothing has shown up on the scan and I'm feeling fine!
In my usual scan time freak out Style I bought another book about dying. This one was 'Proof of heaven' by Dr Eben Alexander. It's the best I've read so far. I'm not quite finished but its really helped me believe that we pass on, and don't really die with our bodies. Which is something I've always wanted to believe but found it hard to. Not that it makes me feel any less attached to my life here, but I'm working on that, and acceptance. I know I might not need to face death at a young age anymore, but I'm sure these are things I should learn about anyway. And consciousness, I want to learn more about consciousness.
Anyway, life is sweet. Robin is learning to talk and you can tell him what to sing a song about, and he sings the word over and over again whilst dancing or playing an instrument. He's the best wee boy ever, I can't believe how lucky we are. When I'm fretting about stupid things in work, I just think about him and then I don't care anymore :) working is a pain, I hate being away from robin so much, especially since my new job is 44 hours a week. But we have quality time before bed and the salary is allowing us do to awesome family things like get our wee pony!
I'm rambling! This blog is about cancer. Which it seems at the moment there's no evidence of, in my body.
Long may I continue :)
And here's a picture of my beautiful wee boy, just cause he's awesome and I want to show him off!
In my usual scan time freak out Style I bought another book about dying. This one was 'Proof of heaven' by Dr Eben Alexander. It's the best I've read so far. I'm not quite finished but its really helped me believe that we pass on, and don't really die with our bodies. Which is something I've always wanted to believe but found it hard to. Not that it makes me feel any less attached to my life here, but I'm working on that, and acceptance. I know I might not need to face death at a young age anymore, but I'm sure these are things I should learn about anyway. And consciousness, I want to learn more about consciousness.
Anyway, life is sweet. Robin is learning to talk and you can tell him what to sing a song about, and he sings the word over and over again whilst dancing or playing an instrument. He's the best wee boy ever, I can't believe how lucky we are. When I'm fretting about stupid things in work, I just think about him and then I don't care anymore :) working is a pain, I hate being away from robin so much, especially since my new job is 44 hours a week. But we have quality time before bed and the salary is allowing us do to awesome family things like get our wee pony!
I'm rambling! This blog is about cancer. Which it seems at the moment there's no evidence of, in my body.
Long may I continue :)
And here's a picture of my beautiful wee boy, just cause he's awesome and I want to show him off!
Saturday, 16 June 2012
And the good news continues..
It's June, summer is in full swing (so it's pouring of rain outside)! My garden is all green, pink, yellow, purple and more green. My son is 1 and a half and becoming his own wee person. My husband is back at work and loving it. Life is goooooood! And as a wee cherry on top I just got good results from my latest CT scan. Well it's not a wee cherry, it's a MASSIVE one, so big the cake is squashed!! I'm so relieved, the week in between my scan and results was crazy, as usual. I dont need to think about getting good results cause I know I can deal with that eeeaaasy! But I need to force myself to think about getting a bad result so I feel I'm prepared for it.. which I never accomplish, but at least I'm being realistic I suppose. I bought two books of death and dying while I was waiting on my results. What am I like?!? Truth is though, it's a 50/50 chance so i'm not being crazy.. just trying to be prepared. Anyway, it's all good, so i'm stoked. I can FINALLY get excited about going to Canada next month as I have no scans in between now and then so can see no reason why I wouldn't be going now. So i've bought a celebratory bikini and some flip flops! My friend bought me some celebratory cakes but then I picked up another friends dog, to watch him for a couple of nights, and he ate the celebratory cakes (which looked amazing) quicker than you can say "NOOOO!!"
I'm also continuing on an introspective spritual journey that I started and then forgot about when I got sick, i'm not sure where to start though. Meditating helps, and reading lots. One of the books on dying by Dr Elisabeth Kubler Ross speaks about the similarities between dream state, deep meditation and near death experiences.. I really want to find out more about this and become more aware of my dreams and unconcious mind, and I generally want to be less attached..... Argh I always want to go on about my life in these posts, but it's really just a cancer blog (exciting, I know!) So I try to refrain, what does my personal life have to do with it? Or does have something to do with it? I don't know.. I just want someone with a sarcoma to read it and think, she's doing alright and things looked so bleak at the beginning.. and maybe, just maybe, they'll get a wee bit of hope which will give them a wee bit of energy, from me, to fight a wee bit harder and not be so sad.
Right, I'll shut up now. I'm Ok! It's almost been a year since my big fat, fast growing lumpy lodger was removed from my chest... that's wonderful! I miss my lung a wee bit, but not that much.. and I love my left lung more that ever!
x
I'm also continuing on an introspective spritual journey that I started and then forgot about when I got sick, i'm not sure where to start though. Meditating helps, and reading lots. One of the books on dying by Dr Elisabeth Kubler Ross speaks about the similarities between dream state, deep meditation and near death experiences.. I really want to find out more about this and become more aware of my dreams and unconcious mind, and I generally want to be less attached..... Argh I always want to go on about my life in these posts, but it's really just a cancer blog (exciting, I know!) So I try to refrain, what does my personal life have to do with it? Or does have something to do with it? I don't know.. I just want someone with a sarcoma to read it and think, she's doing alright and things looked so bleak at the beginning.. and maybe, just maybe, they'll get a wee bit of hope which will give them a wee bit of energy, from me, to fight a wee bit harder and not be so sad.
Right, I'll shut up now. I'm Ok! It's almost been a year since my big fat, fast growing lumpy lodger was removed from my chest... that's wonderful! I miss my lung a wee bit, but not that much.. and I love my left lung more that ever!
x
Thursday, 8 March 2012
Spring is springing!
I've had anorher x ray, in which everything looks 'normal'. Although they agreed it would be hard to see a recurrence where my lung used to be as that whole area just appears white on an xray. It's the other lung i'm more worried about anyway, and they'd definitely be able to see something in there. I'd like to get a copy of my xrays but not sure how they'd go about it, perhaps just take a screen shot? So it's good news for another two months.. although about a week after my xray I started feeling a bit wheezy but I doubt anything untoward coupld have popped up that quickly.
Lots of people seem to get quite excited when I get the 'OK' for my results, I tend to just feel releived but not excited. I know i'm not out the woods yet and wont be for some time. I feel pleased that things are ok, but it doesn't take the worry away, although i guess it eases off for a wee while. I think maybe I just dont feel as happy as I expect myself to because i'm back at the cancer hospital, and even though its to get good results it just brings it all home again and I think about it more.
I'm not even sure how many years I'll need to be cancer free before they begin to think it's not coming back and I dont really like to think about how long it's been already, cause I know it hasn't been long at all. Although since I had positive margins, I dont think i'm even though of as being cancer free just now. I generally feel quite good about it all, I think i'm doing all the right things to stay healthy. Although when we talk about something in the future the first thing that always comes into my head is 'Will I be here for that?' Like when all my friends and I bought tickets for a concert last year - the concert is next month now so i'm pretty sure I WILL be there :) We just recently booked up to go to Canada in four months, so fingers crossed. I DO have cancellation insurance though. Still have two scans to get before then. Mostly I worry about being here for milestones in Robins life, like talking and such like. He's walking now, and he certainly umderstands lots, he's amazing!
(P.S I got an excellent price for my travel insurancewith.com. £230 for the whole family and i could fill everything in online, the only website I've found so far that even had synovial sarcoma in the drop down menu. Before I found this I was almost put off going to canada by the crazy prices I was being quoted.)
Aaaaaanyway, considering 15 months ago I was told I might have less than six months to live things are going pretty good! I feel healthy, my baby is now a toddler and Davy is back at work full time. BRAW!
I've started yoga which is really helping with the muscle damage from my operation, and also with relaxation. Hillwalking is HARD, not nearly as enjoyable as it was before. Even at the top I dont feel relieved and happy to take in the view, I worry about walking down! Which used to be easy. I think it's not just because of the difficulty breathing, but i'm also just not as fit, and I get tired more easily, so hopefully that will all continue to improve.... Or I might just sack hillwalking, let it be a thing of the past and spend sunny days just chilling out beside a river or loch. That would be a shame though, i'm hoping that after a lot of practice hillwalking will be as enjoyable as it was before. We climbed Ben A'an the other day, which is a really small hill, but very steep... I really didn't enjoy it but i'm sure it was for the best. Before my op I would have been up and down in two hours without much effort, i think it took me three and a half hours this time and I hit the wall about three times! Ooft!
Lots of people seem to get quite excited when I get the 'OK' for my results, I tend to just feel releived but not excited. I know i'm not out the woods yet and wont be for some time. I feel pleased that things are ok, but it doesn't take the worry away, although i guess it eases off for a wee while. I think maybe I just dont feel as happy as I expect myself to because i'm back at the cancer hospital, and even though its to get good results it just brings it all home again and I think about it more.
I'm not even sure how many years I'll need to be cancer free before they begin to think it's not coming back and I dont really like to think about how long it's been already, cause I know it hasn't been long at all. Although since I had positive margins, I dont think i'm even though of as being cancer free just now. I generally feel quite good about it all, I think i'm doing all the right things to stay healthy. Although when we talk about something in the future the first thing that always comes into my head is 'Will I be here for that?' Like when all my friends and I bought tickets for a concert last year - the concert is next month now so i'm pretty sure I WILL be there :) We just recently booked up to go to Canada in four months, so fingers crossed. I DO have cancellation insurance though. Still have two scans to get before then. Mostly I worry about being here for milestones in Robins life, like talking and such like. He's walking now, and he certainly umderstands lots, he's amazing!
(P.S I got an excellent price for my travel insurancewith.com. £230 for the whole family and i could fill everything in online, the only website I've found so far that even had synovial sarcoma in the drop down menu. Before I found this I was almost put off going to canada by the crazy prices I was being quoted.)
Aaaaaanyway, considering 15 months ago I was told I might have less than six months to live things are going pretty good! I feel healthy, my baby is now a toddler and Davy is back at work full time. BRAW!
I've started yoga which is really helping with the muscle damage from my operation, and also with relaxation. Hillwalking is HARD, not nearly as enjoyable as it was before. Even at the top I dont feel relieved and happy to take in the view, I worry about walking down! Which used to be easy. I think it's not just because of the difficulty breathing, but i'm also just not as fit, and I get tired more easily, so hopefully that will all continue to improve.... Or I might just sack hillwalking, let it be a thing of the past and spend sunny days just chilling out beside a river or loch. That would be a shame though, i'm hoping that after a lot of practice hillwalking will be as enjoyable as it was before. We climbed Ben A'an the other day, which is a really small hill, but very steep... I really didn't enjoy it but i'm sure it was for the best. Before my op I would have been up and down in two hours without much effort, i think it took me three and a half hours this time and I hit the wall about three times! Ooft!
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